Category Archives: stories the onion rejected

studious man reprimanded for not enjoying sunny day

Alan Thurmond spent the entire day Monday, May 19, inside his home on Apollo Street in Brooklyn, NY working on his doctoral thesis, all the while waiting to be scolded for not getting outside and enjoying the sunny day. “It’s been harrowing,” Thurmond said when contacted by phone during his ten minute lunch break. “I’m just waiting for the moment I go to get the mail or I pause too long getting a breath of air at the open window for someone to scold me for not enjoying the nice day. But I can’t research gravitational pull in the park or sauntering down the street, you know?”

When asked when he was going to close up those dusty old books and step outside, feel the sun on his face and the fresh air in his lungs, Thurmond terminated the call. Thurmond ‘s mother, Mrs. Louise Thurmond, when reached for comment, stated that going outside was one of the healthiest things a body could do and would certainly help Alan ace that gravity exam.

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exasperated customer cannot imagine spending quality time with fellow customer

After ten minutes of waiting in a long line yesterday at the Duane Reade in Chelsea, customer Francis Key, there to buy tea and Hershey Kisses, had to conclude of the customer holding up the line that she “couldn’t imagine spending time with him.” The unidentified customer, who used several credit cards as well as cash and repeatedly changed the items he desired to purchase, was “totally inconsiderate of everyone else,” according to Key. “I mean, can you imagine what that person must be like to go to dinner with? To have Thanksgiving with? I’m so glad I’m not related to him,” Key said. The other customers in line agreed, according to Key, though she was the only one who called me about it.

 

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names that begin with h

–       Harry. Or Henry. You can call me either. (English)

–       Helmi. Not to be confused with a hiccup, thank you very much. (Finnish)

–       Honza. They took Johannes, made it into Jan, and finally Honza. Obviously. (Czech)

–       Holly. And the Ivy. The plant. (English)

–       Habakkuk. A minor prophet but a major party animal. (Biblical)

–       Helmfried. Or poached, if you prefer. (German)

–       Haidar. It ain’t bragging if it’s true. (Arabic)

–       Heather. Another plant. (English)

–       Helena. Don’t let me break your heart. (Latvian)

 

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strolling pedestrian catches two foul balls and a renegade frisbee in saunter through park

It was a heroic and defining Sunday afternoon for Brooklyn resident Paul Strombolo, who caught two softballs and a frisbee that had all strayed onto the pedestrian’s walkway. “It just happened like boom, boom, boom,” said Strombolo when questioned in McCarren Park after the incident. “First this chick from the softball game fouls one way over the third base fence and I raised my hand and snagged it bare-handed,” said Strombolo. “So I toss that back and two seconds later some other bitch from some other game hits one foul and I’m just strolling by that one as well, so I got a little tricky and caught it in my hat. Then I tossed that one back and keep walking and this orange frisbee comes out of nowhere and I barely snag it before it beams me in the face.”

Both softball batters and the three particpants in the frisbee game claimed they were glad Strombolo was there to lend a hand and that no one was hurt, though all mentioned Strombolo’s desire to keep the equipment. “At first he wouldn’t give it back,” said Brooklyn native and batter Carrie Reynolds, 27. “He was like, ‘They throw ‘em back in Wrigley, not McCarren’ and ‘Fans get to keep ‘em!’ as though it was a real game or something. It gave everyone the creeps.” Frisbee player Michael Dunnough also weighed in, saying he was glad Strombolo finally threw the frisbee back but he wished he didn’t have to mandhandle him first.

When reached for response Strombolo said, “That fairy couldn’t manhandle a can opener,” before claiming he was looking to start walking the pedestrian paths of both Park Slope and Central Park, ready for any stray piece of sporting equipment.

 

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