Category Archives: topical devotions

topical devotions (5)

Unspoken Prayer Requests 

1. A jobs act. Oh, did you say unspoken requests?

2. Detroit Imam Luqman Ameen Abdullah.
Died handcuffed and bleeding on the floor of his mosque like a dog. The dog got airlifted to the hospital like a valued leader.

3. Plan Colombia. Is there a prayer for when you’re covered in herbicides?

4. Olympic Games attacks against Iran. Not like with balance beams and decathalons. Other stuff. Yikes.

5. There’s a riot in my shit factory, if you know what I mean.

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topical devotions (4)

BELSHAZZAR’S GROOM OF THE STOOL’S THOUGHTS AS HE WATCHED THE HAND WRITING ON THE WALL 

1. Egads! King! Watch out! Your hemorrhoids!

2. I thought it was a costume ball.

3. That thing couldn’t wipe an ass unless it were the heavenly host’s. *

4. I wonder if our Persian soon-to-be-overlords also take dumps…

5. Finally, these hands are free. Free of ass. But who will want them?

6. You need to have your pants on to shit them, King!

 

* Blatant anachronism. 

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topical devotions (3)

Possible, Certainly More Credible, Reasons Uzzah Was Put To Death By God (Samuel 6:6-7)

1. Crime of passion.

2. Uzzah was a little bit too genuine and caring
about the welfare of God’s sacred commandments
carved with God’s own hand.

3. Uzzah caught God kissing Santa Claus.

4. To vex Charity Case throughout a holy and
confusing childhood.

5. The message just like got lost from the top on
down, all right, jeez it’s like a mercenary angel kills
the wrong Kohathite one time and they’re not good
enough to sit on the right hand and whatever.

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topical devotions (2)

Moses’ First Thoughts After Smashing the Ten Commandments

Damn it!

Damn it! Now I have to carve that stuff all over again. And hang out on the mountain again for the appropriate Yaweh- conversing amount of time. Now was the carved image one 1st or 2nd?

Damn it! I should have included ‘Don’t get so angry that you smash divine sacraments’ on the list!

Damn it! I’m gonna make 3,000 of my friends and neighbors pay with their lives for this mistake of mine!*

Damn it! Should’ve made copies. Should’ve just swallowed the cost, listened to Aaron and made copies.

Damn it! I hope the Lord doesn’t mind writing this stuff out again.

Egads! Who’d have thought they could break?

Hell, it sure beats drinking water with ashes in it.

* Exodus 32: 27-29

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