(Loud and piercing noise; screen shows rainbow test pattern)
This is a test. For the next 13 years this school district will conduct a test of your child’s ability to withstand the torture of being forced to take multiple standardized tests. This is only a test. The educators in your area in “voluntary” and in no way coerced cooperation with the federal government and its educational sponsors have developed this system to keep you informed in the event your child should fail a test, and to keep us all in a state of educational panic. If there is an emergency the Attention Signal you just heard will be followed by “the-sky-is-falling, our-schools-are-failing” empty and baseless rhetoric shouted at ordinary citizens by politicians on both sides of the aisle who are entirely unqualified to discuss education, much less mandate what schools should be doing. This school serves the purposes of the politicians who are in the pockets of the multi-billion dollar testing companies who create these worthless exams, and not the town, city, or state in which the district is located. This concludes this test of the Standardized Testing Alert System.